I’ve been telling myself “Don’t worry about that right now.” a lot lately.

I have to finish out my consumer proposal and I find myself upset that my bipolar disorder does affect my financial decisions. I have forgiven myself for walking into the high-interest loan company and got myself too much debt that mentally and financially I could not handle.

I did stupid I was living on almost nothing and then I put myself in a pressure box when I decided that I needed to increase my self-employment commission income without calmly thinking about how I will do it without adding on new stress and create some type of depressive or hypomania bipolar disorder episode.

I am not like everyone else I have mental challenges and different life experiences.

Well, I will confess managing my finances is a challenge, just like managing my bipolar disorder is a challenge. Only thing is when I trip up with a money decision sometimes it takes me longer to recover then say I’m having a depressive episode and I am on a regular psychotherapy routine plus also managing money is not something talked about in therapy because she is my therapist and not a financial expert.

For many years because of disability income and cash gifts that handle the basic survival needs, I didn’t see financially somethings are missing and because of how much effort it takes to find a regular therapist and a working psychotropic drug treatment plan to manage my bipolar, I was always just patching myself up and living in survival mode food, clothes, transportation, shelter and coping skills.

Why don’t I just hire someone to manage my money?

Well, I’ve tried that and the thing about hiring someone to manage your money when you are an adult is that 1. You don’t want to do it because you are an adult and 2. People are fucking judgemental and constantly criticize everything you do

It’s a lot easier to walk into an insolvency trustee office saying I can not manage my money because of my bipolar disorder then going to a financial advisor. It could be also that I haven’t found the right person yet, but just as it is hard for adults to make new friends it’s also extremely difficult to live with bipolar disorder and have someone tell you where your money should go and you just sit there like an empty shell feeling horrible inside that yet again you have something you can not get a handle on.

Therapy teaches me with the right treatment plan I can live fulling “normal” life but nowhere in the psychotherapy treatment does it cover how to handle money.

So this is where I am back to trial and error being a science project when it comes to handling my finances.